New Year's Eve

I was thinking about throwing a good New Year's Eve party, and I stumbled across this book called A Dictionary of Superstitions. Naturally, I looked up New Year's, not wanting to accidentally do something to upset Olmec, or Kirk Fogg for that matter. Anyway, here's what I found:

On the evening before New Year's Day, it is usual for the cowherd and the young people to meet together, and one of them is covered with a cow's hide. The rest of the company are provided with staves, to the end of which bits of raw hide are tied. The person covered with the hide runs thrice round the dwelling-house, according to the course of the sun; the rest pursue, beating the hide with their staves, and crying "Let us raise the noise louder and louder; let us beat the hide."

That sounds like tons of fun, so I'm definitely going to do something like that at my party. I just have to find some cow hide. And someone who'll be willing to run around my house getting beaten.

Christmas Duets

Last time, we asked what you would sell your soul to the devil for. DJ wins for the answer: "I would sell my soul to the devil in exchange for his soul." Props.

Earlier this week, Mike talked about the confusion in the song "Do You Hear What I Hear?" That got us thinking about our favorite Christmas songs. And the Bing Crosby-David Bowie duet led us to this:

What two artists would make the strangest Christmas duet?

Honestly, Bing Crosby and David Bowie is a pretty good answer. But we think 50 Cent and Liberace would make a Christmas song for the ages.

The Day After

I was driving around yesterday, and I saw that a lot of people have already taken down their Christmas decorations. I thought that was kinda strange, since you really have until January 6th to take them down, and I'm all about procrastinating. And besides, who really wants to take down Christmas decorations on Christmas day? That's just horribly depressing.

Anyway, I did see one house that still had Christmas decorations up. Although I'm not sure what "OOGA BOOGA!!" has to do with the holiday spirit.

Did you hear what I said?

You know the Christmas carol "Do you hear what I hear?" It's like a really bad game of telephone. Every time you tell someone something, the message gets confused. I feel bad for the shepherd boy. He tells the king that a child is shivering in the cold and we should give him gold and silver. Then he hears that the king is going to be addressing everyone, and he's like, "Alright the king is going to relay my message." He tells his friends and they all go to listen to the king, and he says, "A child sleeping in the night," and the shepherd boy is like, "Yep, here is where he's gonna ask for donations." And then the king says, "He will bring us goodness and light." The shepherd boy is like "What? I didn't say that at all! This king is crazy." Then he is arrested for treason.

Like I say, a REALLY bad game of telephone.

There's snow such thing

Do snowmen believe in snowangels?

 

 

 

 

 

Let It Snow

I like snow. I like waking up in the morning and seeing snow on the ground and the trees. But, I don't like walking in it. Or driving in it. Or touching it. Or the way it turns black because of cars. Hmm. As it turns out, I guess I only like pictures of snow.

Sympathy for the Devil

Last week, we asked what you would rename the seasons. Max is the winner with his answer Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. Get it? Seasons? Spices? Seasoning? No? Onward!

Mike recently mentioned that he would change his name to Your Name Here. It made us think of this question:

If you had to change your name to something ridiculous, what name would you choose?

What? We already asked that question? Oh. Well, then, how's this? On Wednesday, Johnny said he would sell his soul to the devil for a little more sleep. It made us think of this question:

If you had to change your name to something ridiculous, what name would you choose?

No, no. Not that question. This question:

If you were to sell your soul to the devil, what would you have to get in exchange?

Best answer gets to sell his or her soul to the devil. Okay, you don't have to. But, think about it, at least.

Nuts

When I was a kid, I used to love pistacchios. I loved them so much I had a pistacchio stash. But little did I know, I was allergic to pistacchios. So I got a pistacchio stash rash. I had to get rid of them, so I sold them to Steve Nash. So I got a lot of pistacchio stash rash Nash cash. But then I spent it all.

How you feelin'?

If I were the devil, I would hang out by people's beds when they woke up and offer them more sleep in exchange for their souls. I know that when my alarm goes off, I would do some pretty stupid things for five more minutes of shuteye.

Of course, If I were the devil, I would also have Arrow sent to hell so he could perform "Hot Hot Hot" for all my devilish dance parties.

Oh, and I'd have pointy ears and a killer goatee. And I'd be red. And have a tail. Man, being the devil would be awesome.

Easy Money

I think I'm going to change my name to Your Name Here. That way, I can use all of those free American Express cards they keep sending me in the mail.

 

 

Class Picture

One time my teacher asked us to write a 1000 word essay. I drew him a picture.

Big Girls Don't Cry

Last week, we asked a tough question about snowflakes, and the best explanation on why no two snowflakes are alike came from Sam. To quote: "snowflakes falling to earth are like women going to a party. do you think a woman would be caught wearing the same dress as someone else? no way."

Yesterday, Johnny talked about renaming the seasons Spades, Hearts, Clubs, and Diamonds. So this week's Game Time question is:

If you could rename the seasons, what would you call them?

While naming them after the suits in a deck would be fun, we'd probably change the names of the seasons to John, Paul, George, and Frankie Valli.

And you?

52

Look what I just figured out. There are 52 weeks in a year, right? And a deck of cards has 52 cards, right? Isn't that amazing? "Amazing? No I don't think that's amazing. I think that's pretty stupid." Well who asked you anyway, buddy? "Uh, you just did." Hmm...

But listen, it is amazing. Think of the possibilities. We could like, change all of our calendars to be playing card-based. Like we could change the seasons' names from Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall to Spades, Hearts, Clubs, and Diamonds. Or we could keep summer, because I like that one. "And I don't particularly like clubs." Oh yeah, who asked you this time? "Sorry."

Football?

Why do we call football "football"? You don't really use your feet very much. I mean, you use them to run, but then you could call lacrosse "football" too.

We should make football's name more accurately descriptive of the game. "Baseball" is a game with bases and balls. "Basketball" is a game with baskets and balls. So, naturally football should be called "Smashyball."

Box and One

I think I'm gonna start calling boxer shorts old school basketball player shorts because if you've seen a boxing match recently, they wear their pants down past their knees. But Bill Russell, that man ran around in his underwear.

Speciel Special

I just realized something. In an earlier post, I mentioned that the bird who smacked into a window would be mocked by his bird friends.

But why would a bird have to have bird friends? Couldn't he have badger friends, or woodchuck friends, or rabbit friends? I assumed that since he was a bird, he would have bird friends, and I realize that this was a prejudiced thing to say and I apologize.

My name is Mike and I am a speciesist. Admitting a problem is the first step.

Frosted Shlakes

Last week, we asked people to think of a good title for a movie involving aliens and their foreign diseases. Francis Ford wins for his title, "Allergic Reaction," although we feel like we should give a shout out to Sam as well for his tagline #3: "These aliens are nothing to sneeze at. But you will." Props to you both.

This week, Johnny contemplated the uniqueness of snowflakes. So, for this week's game, we want your opinion.

Why is it that no two snowflakes are exactly alike?

Here is our answer:
No two snowflakes are exactly alike because, if they were, they wouldn't be able to tell each other apart. And that would be embarassing for them: "Oh, I thought you were me." "No problem, I thought you were me." "You mean I'm not you?" "No." "Oh."

What's your explanation? Let us know.

Frosted Flakes

You know how they say that no two snowflakes are exactly the same? How do they know? I sure would hate to be that guy, devoting his whole life to examining snowflakes with his little magnifying glass, being careful not to touch them because that would ruin the whole thing. He couldn't even breathe too heavily on them. And then he'd have to write all his observations down in little spiral notebooks that the bossman would collect and do further analysis.

Sounds miserable. But I bet when the bossman's not around, he tries to catch a few on his tongue.

Carting Off a Golf Cart

I've always been tempted to steal a golf cart, but it isn't fast enough for the getaway.

The Slimy Old Security Guard

Shouldn't stop signs tell you when to go again? I mean, the sign is clear as day. STOP. Do not pass. It's kinda like the slimy troll under the bridge. The sign says, "There ain't noway you're gettin' past me." And yet, people stop for a second, and then go right through.

It's actually kind of disrespectful. It's like we see the sign, know it can't do anything about it and just walk on by. So it's not like the troll. It's like an old security guard. You stop because there's a security guard, but once you see that he's really old and couldn't catch up with you if he wanted to, you just go by.

Poor old stop sign.

Widdle Window

A bird just smacked into my window. He looked a little dazed, and then he flew off. I feel bad for him. I know how embarrassing it can be to run into a glass door, so I can only imagine how much more embarrassing it would be to fly into one. His bird friends will never let him forget it. Poor little guy.

Sgt Zormac Goes to Hollywood

Last week, we asked for Thanksgiving poems involving your favorite holiday character. Emily won with her limerick about McGuirky the Thanksgiving Chicken. I bet she's thankful that she won. Oh yeah? I'll take that bet.

Yesterday, Johnny described a scenario in which an alien race accidentally conquers planet Earth. We thought that would make a good movie. But we couldn't figure out what to call it. So here's this week's Game Time question:

What should the movie be titled?

The best we had so far was, "Illegal Aliens," and the tagline could be something like, "In space, no one can hear you sneeze."

Got something better? Post it up, fuzzball.

We Come in Peace

You know how the aliens always say "We come in peace"? Well, what happens if we're all allergic to aliens? Then after a few days of tea and crumpets with Sergeant Zormac, the President starts getting hives. After a friendly game of tiddlywinks with Mr. Blimkor, the Queen develops an oddly colored rash. Soon enough all the world leaders start getting sick, and we're stuck with a leaderless world.

Then what happens? Naturally, Sergeant Zormac becomes Emperor Zormac, Mr. Blimkor becomes Mrs. Blimkor, and we have been duly conquered. "We come in peace"? Doesn't look like it anymore, does it?

So the moral of the story is next time anyone tells you that they come in peace, blast the suckers before they go all Cortez on you.

My kind of sale

I was driving past a store with a sign in the window that read, "75% Off Women's Clothes." Ooh la la!

 

 

 

Hello?

Sometimes, when I'm alone, I talk to myself. Myself doesn't listen either.

How was your Thanksgiving?

The Monday after thanksgiving might be the saddest day of the year. Your family is gone, you have to return to work, and now even something as delicious as a turkey sandwich loses some of its appeal because you've eaten it for the past 5 days.

But, perhaps the most annoying part to me is that everyone asks, "How was your Thanksgiving?" And, to be fair, it is an innocuous question; they are only asking to be polite. But, I think it would be more polite if they didn't ask, because how many times can one person say, "Oh, it was good - we ate turkey, watched football, slept ..." without getting a little perturbed?

So, today when someone asks me how my Thanksgiving was, I'm going to open my eyes real wide and say: "Oh my gosh! I missed it!" And then go running down the hall. That'll teach 'em.

Pilgrim Poems

For the game last week, we asked you to name some bad doctors. And the winner for that game is Sid for his answer, Dr. Dre. Congrats, Sid! And now, on to this week's game:

Yesterday was Thanksgiving, as most of our American readers know. Our Canadian readers are probably thinking, "I thought Thanksgiving was in October, eh?" and our other readers around the world are thinking, "What's Thanksgiving, and how do I get in on that?" Well, look no further than your friends from the Pake Shlake Band. We are making this week's Game Time one where everyone can join in the fun.

Remember on Halloween when we asked you for scary stories? We are doing a similar game this week. But, instead of scary stories, we'd like poems. Poems that include your favorite Thanksgiving character, that is. What, like Squanto? Sure. Like Squanto. Or like Peter Von Porten, the Paltry Pilgrim. Basically, you can interpret "Thanksgiving Character" however you like. So here's the game:

Write a Thanksgiving poem involving your favorite Thanksgiving character.

Ours would go something like this:

When the days start to shorten,
And the trees start to die,
We head to Peter Von Porten's
To eat all his pie.

Put on your poetry caps, and try to top ours. Our poem, not our poetry cap. That is untoppable.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Someone who goes under-appreciated during this time of year is the person who invented Thanksgiving. He must have thought to himself, "Thanksgiving Thursday will be a holiday to celebrate all the gifts we have." What a great idea. He recognized the strife of the pilgrims and the kindness shown to them by the Native Americans. He acknowledged the need to be thankful for our blessings. And perhaps most importantly, he essentially guaranteed that we get a four day weekend.

Once a Year

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, the day where we are all supposed to give thanks for the good things in our lives. But here's my thing: why is it only once a year?

It's like Mother's Day or Earth day. Are we only supposed to appreciate our Moms on the second Sunday in May? Are we only supposed to care about the environment whenever the heck Earth Day is? Then why do we have to wait until November to eat turkey, mashed potatoes, and apple pie?

Endangered Species

Ben Franklin wanted the National Bird of the United States to be the turkey. He probably wanted American families to eat bald eagle on Thanksgiving too.

Crazy coot.

Quiet, please.

Tennis is a strange sport. They make you be quiet. Imagine if other competitive sports made you do that. The referee would yell at you if you made noise. And both teams would give you dirty looks, as if to say, "Hey, dude, we're playing a game here, could you please be quiet? I don't come to your job and yell." I find that strange. But, it makes focusing on net vibrations much easier.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Last week's game was about falling asleep on the job. DJ wins for saying that a therapist who falls asleep at work wouldn't be too good for his patient's self-esteem. So props to DJ. And on to this week:

Yesterday, Johnny talked about a bad experience with a doctor. That started us thinking, and so we came up with this week's Game Time question:

Who would you never want to be your doctor and why?

Who, us? We wouldn't want to have a checkup with Dr. Scooby Doo. Sure, he can talk and solve mysteries, but he is still a dog.

Your turn.

Doctor Laugh

I wish I had a doctor with a good sense of humor. Like, I go in to complain that my leg hurts, and he says, "I've got just the thing." And the next thing I know, he injects me with Novocaine, and I wake up to find that he's cut the darn thing off. "Surprise!"

On second thought, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Doctors with good senses of humor sometimes go a little bit too far.


 

A little bit louder now...

I am a little confused about the words "microphone" and "megaphone." In Greek, "micro" means small, "mega" means big, and "phone" means sound. But then why do megaphones and microphones do the same thing? A microphone should make your voice softer, which could be useful if you want to whisper a secret to someone. In fact, from now on I am going to use the word "microphone" to mean the device that makes your voice smaller. "Dude, you are too loud - you need a microphone." That should clear up any confusion.

EXIT

I think it's kinda funny how every building has those EXIT signs that tell you which way to go to leave the place. Under normal circumstances, I can find my own way out, and if there's some sort of emergency, there's no way I'd trust a sign.

YOU wear your Sunglasses at Night?

Everyone wears sunglasses during the day. They protect your eyes from the bright day. You know what we need? Moonglasses. To protect your eyes from the dark night. They would be like little flashlight things, that make the night time brighter. Unfortunately, there is one problem. Sometimes, the moon is out at the same time as the sun, and you can't really wear both sunglasses and moonglasses at the same time. That would be ridiculous.

Asleep on the Job

In yesterday's post, Johnny alluded to the difficult life of a shepherd. He claimed that the sheep herder's trouble comes from falling asleep on the job. Well, that's not such a bad thing for a shepherd: all he does is lose sheep. But, it could be really bad news for a different occupation. So, here's today's question:

What would be the worst job to fall asleep while working?

Best answer gets a shout out. In the sense that we will shout out your name. If you listen very closely, you might be able to hear us yelling.

So You Had a Baaaad Day

The life of a shepherd is a difficult one. He wakes up to find his flock is missing. Then he spends all day trying to find the little critters, and when he's got a whole bunch of them rounded up, he has to make sure he's got them all. So he starts counting sheep. Naturally, he falls asleep. And when he wakes up, they're gone again.

Spelling Cie

"I before E except after C." Oh really? Are we training our children to be poor spellers? Glacier, efficient, species,... need I go on? According to Merriam-Webster, there are 861 entries with I before E after C. It seems as though this ancient rule of society is filled with inaccuracies.

Wishin' and Hopin'

Here's my problem with genies. They say you get three wishes, but they don't let you wish for more wishes. I mean, who's to say that's not allowed? A wish is a wish. The next thing you know, they're not gonna let you wish for lots of money because "That would cause inflation."

I just want my stinking wish, man.

 

 

Net Minder

You know how, when you are a kid, people ask you what you want to be when you grow up? I used to say, I want to be the guy in tennis matches who puts his finger on the net for serves, to make sure the ball doesn't touch it. But, now that I am grown up, they have a computer to do that. Now, I have no purpose in life.

I heard a knock on the door...

In case you didn't notice, we had a Halloween theme going with the posts this week. So for this week's Game Time, we're gonna continue the trend. We at the Pake Shlake Band would like to hear some scaaaary Halloween stories. Or not so scary. We don't really mind. So here's the game:

Write a Halloween story (30 words or less) that begins "I heard a knock on the door..."

It can be a true story, a made up story, a ghost story, but it has to be a story. And it has to be 30 words or less. And it has to begin "I heard a knock on the door..."

Here's ours:
I heard a knock on the door. "Pizza's here," I yelled. I opened the door to find the pizza man dead on the porch. "Free pizza," I yelled.

Oooh. Scary, wasn't it? Your turn.

The Day After

Generally, people have until January 6 before they have to take down their Christmas decorations. That's almost a good two weeks. That should give everyone plenty of time to put away their ornaments, throw away their fruitcakes, and dispose of their trees.

But I think it's an unwritten rule that people have about 5 hours to put away their Halloween decorations. Because while seeing pretty lights and signs that read "Peace on Earth" are appealing for most of the winter, nobody wants to read "OOGA BOOGA!!" on anyone's lawn in November.

Boo

For those of you who don't know, today is Halloween. (Who doesn't know today is Halloween? They must be confused as heck when they see people walking around dressed as gorillas and demons and Groucho Marx.) And everyone loves Halloween because you get candy. Now, I am not here to judge the people who give less than delicious candy to the loyal trick or treaters, but I would say that I am a little bit perplexed. When you walk into your local supermarket, what do you see? Snickers, Kit Kats, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Crunch Bars, Milky Ways. The standard yummy candy. So what I want to know, is how do you even FIND a store that sells Charleston Chews? It is really worth the effort? Just give us a Snickers and we will be happy. As opposed to perplexed.

Candy From Strangers

You know how parents always say, "Don't take candy from strangers?" Well, since Halloween is all about taking candy from strangers, it got me thinking. And I've decided that I won't say that to my kids. Instead, I will tell them, "Don't eat candy from strangers; bring it to me to inspect." That way, if it is dangerous, like it's poisoned or drugged or something, I would have saved them from harm. And if it's not, hey free candy.

Mash Good

Halloween is only 2 days away, and I have still yet to hear "The Monster Mash" on the radio. This is unacceptable. So I propose that the radio stations draw lots and the winner must play "The Monster Mash" 24 hours a day for the entire month of October. Come to think of it, they should play it year round.

Name Time

In yesterday's post, Johnny said he wished his name were John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. So going along with that, here's this week's Game Time question:

If you had to change your name to something ridiculous, what name would you choose?

As usual, post your answers in the comments and feel free to provide as much explanation as you want.

Da da da da da da da

I kinda wish my name were John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. That way, whenever I went anywhere, people would always shout out my name. On second thought, that would be pretty annoying. Never mind.

Wrong Number?

You know how people sometimes say, "I'm sorry, you dialed the wrong number"? I like to respond, "No, buddy! You picked up the wrong phone!" And then I slam the phone to hang up.

Uni-what?

What's the deal with unicorns? I get the uni- part: they've got one. But corn? They don't have any corn. They've got a horn. One horn. So they should be called unihorns. Or monohorns. Or knightless jousters.

Re: potions

Ever had the awkward situation where you are reading an email and someone says, "Here are your potions," and you think, "Ha ha, yes, yes! My potions! Yes, with these potions I can control the world! Ha ha, yes!" And then you realize that it was a typo, and he meant to say, "Here are your options"?

Me neither.

Mikeland?

A while back, Mike wrote a post about having a state named after him, and he called it "Mikeland." That's right, Mikeland. To quote the Reluctant Dragon, "Not very good, is it?"

For the first edition of our new section, Game Time, we at the Pake Shlake Band are giving everybody a chance to do better.

If you got to name a state, what would you call it?

For those of you visiting from outside the U.S., replace the word "state" with "province," "district," "county," "ward," or "what-have-you."

So post your answers to that question, and the best answer might just get a shoutout on Monday. But don't hold your breath. Unless you are in a particularly stinky room, then by all means, hold away.

What Time Is It?

Hello, again.

As you may know, we at the Pake Shlake Band don't post over the weekend since we disapprove of working on weekends. In fact, we disapprove of working during the week as well, but since society dictates it, we usually turn a blind eye. And a cold shoulder. And a few heads. And a ... next paragraph!

Anyway, since we know how much you love our site, we've begun a new section here at Shlake.com: Game Time. The way it works is, we'll be putting out fun things to do every Friday, and you, the reader, will get to play along. Basically, we'll pose some sort of question, and whoever wants to can throw out their answer in the comments. And if you think of a new answer over the weekend, post another comment; it's the gift that keeps on giving. (I thought that was fruitcake). (Or the plague).

So check out the new stuff, post your responses in the comments, and check back on Monday to read everyone's responses. It should be pretty fun.

(P.S. And to answer the title of this post, it's 2:19.)

If a tree falls in a forest...

If a tree falls in a forest with no one to hear it, does it make a sound? Of course not. What's it gonna say, "Oof. Who put that there? I hope nobody saw me because that would be really embarrassing. Whew, coast looks clear."?

Trees don't talk.

German Lesson

I like the word Kindergarten. It comes from the German, meaning "Child Garden."

I think we should refer to all of our grade levels in the original German. Like, we would call third grade, "Drittergrad," and we would call Senior year of high school, "DieBundasWasteofTimegrad."

Come to think of it, I did call it that.

Double-who?

Ever wonder why it's called "Double-u" instead of "Double-v"? Yeah, me too, when I was like 7.

To Jimmy

This post goes out to Jimmy. I know that a lot of people say they don't care, but I say don't listen to them. Keep cracking that corn.

Polf Shirts

Is there a difference between polo shirts and golf shirts? Because if there isn't, then they should just stick with one sport. And then make all those athletes figure out how to play it. How hard can it be, just get on the stupid horse.

New Glory

I was looking at an American Flag today and realized that it used to look a lot cooler when it had 49 stars. 7 by 7. Beautiful. So, all we as a nation have to do is trim our state count down by one, so we can have an aesthetically pleasing flag. This is an easy task. All you need to do is combine North and South Dakota, call it Dakota, and North and South Carolina, and call it Carolina. They do that anyway.

Why did I combine 2 states, you ask? Well, the new state of Mikeland will have to be created to thank the genius who developed this plan. It'll be in Southern California.

Family Ties

When I was little, I decided that I would name my kids Ben, Sam, and Jemima.  That way, somewhere down the line, there would be an Uncle Ben, an Uncle Sam, and an Aunt Jemima in my family.  Now that I'm older, I'm kinda upset that my parents didn't think of that first.

For the Birds

The other day, I was walking along the sidewalk, and I accidentally kicked a pigeon. I kept walking until I realized, I just kicked a pigeon. What's the deal, pigeon? How come you let me kick you? He didn't even fly away. He just moved a little bit and looked at me like, "Whoa, there! Watch where you're going!" No, buddy, you're the one who can fly! Dumb pigeon.

Welcome

Welcome to Shlake.com, the home of the Pake Shlake Band.

Now, we know what you're thinking. Who the heck is the Pake Shlake Band? Well, we are, of course. But besides that, all you need to know is that we have a fun website.

Check back, and you won't be disappointed.

Or you will be. We're not making any promises.