Komboo-ya

Earlier today I heard the word "Kombucha," pronounced "Kom-BOO-cha," and I fell in love with the Chinese Magical Health Elixir. Then I smelled the stuff. I quickly fell out of love with Kombucha. Then I said the word out loud again. KomBOOcha. And I liked it just fine. Then I heard that even though it is supposed to make you healthier, there have been studies that it gives people jaundice and makes them vomit, and I didn't like it so much again.

It looks like I have an on-again, off-again relationship with an ancient Chinese tea.

Chapter 37: The Problem

As the three pondered a way to get inside the abandoned warehouse, Mike ran around the house to look for any openings. A half-second later, he was back.

"Nope, no luck," Mike said. "The only other thing I can think of is maybe there's an entrance on the roof they didn't board up." Both Mike and the fox looked at Johnny. He looked back at the two of them, and shook his head.

"Come on, please?" Mike said.

Johnny sighed and rolled his eyes. "Alright, I'll check."

"Johnny, just do it! We have to train. This is important for our development. And what kind of super hero doesn't ever use his powers? I mean, you might as well not even have them!"

"Dude, who are you talking to? Johnny agreed. He's already on the roof."

"Oh. I guess I figured he'd put up more of a fight."

Mike and the fox stood looking up towards the roof, waiting for Johnny to come back down. After a few moments, he did.

"Guys, it's perfect. There is a door up there, it's unlocked and it leads downstairs. There are no lights or anything, so we will have to provide that ourselves. But, even if there were, we wouldn't be able to use any of it, since then someone would know there are people inside."

"There's one problem," Mike said. "I can't fly."

"Oh, snap."

Gioc about Jokes

Our last Game Time involved stories about pirates. Based on your votes, Big A won, for his clever response about the economic crisis. Nothing like an economic crisis to get us thinking about pirates. Well done.

So, as you probably know, jokes were a big part of this week's theme; that is to say, jokes were this week's theme. We talked about jokes, and jokes, and more giocs. So, to continue the week's theme, our gioc will be about jokes.

Think of a better set-up question to the following punchline.

Throw two dictionaries and a cookbook on the floor!

Our original question: Wanna know how to quickly drop 10 pounds?

Our new question: What do you do when you see a huge cockroach crawling on the ground?

See? Simple as pie. No, not simple as pi. Pi is a very complicated mathematical concept. Pie is a delicious dessert. Post your answers, or rather, your questions, in the comments.

More on Jokes

Hello, folks! With all this talk about jokes, we decided to have another lesson in Shlakese. You remember Shlakese, don't you? You don't? Brav.

joke -
  1. a joke, in it's normal sense; also called a chiste, pronounced cheeste, derived from the Spanish word of the same spelling, which means, as you might suspect, joke.
  2. a game; also spelled gioc, since this definition comes from the word "giocco," Italian for game.

Now, we will use both forms in an example, with the difference in spelling to help you understand context.

Example:
Mike: What's a good joke?
Johnny: Scrabble.
Mike: No man, not gioc. Joke.
Johnny: What?
Mike: You know? Chiste? Joke?
Johnny: Oh, I thought you meant joke like gioc.
Mike: Well, do you have a good one?
Johnny: What does a prisoner use to call home?
Mike: I said a good joke. Brav.

See? It's as simple as that. So play a joke on your friends by asking them if they want to play a gioc.

Vote for Talk Like a Pirate

Arr, last Friday be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arr! We forced ye scallywags tell yer best pirate tales, an' now it be time fer a pirate lord to be crowned. Cast yer votes.

[poll=10]

Ye best be sure to vote, fer we pirates are nothin' if not democratic.

I got one too!

Yesterday, Mike told everybody a joke! I like jokes. They're awesome! Ooh ooh, I got one, I got one.

Knock Knock

 

Psst. I said,

Knock Knock

 

Dude, you guys stink at jokes.

How to Drop 10 Pounds

Hey, I just heard a funny joke yesterday. Wanna hear it?

Wanna know how to quickly drop 10 pounds?
Throw two dictionaries and a cookbook on the floor!

Ok, I have a few confessions to make. 1. I actually didn't hear that joke yesterday. 2. It's actually my joke. 3. It's actually not funny.

Chapter 36: The Third Time's The Charm

When we last left our brothers, their friend the fox had dutifully led them to an abandoned warehouse to begin their training. Unfortunately, they were as of yet unable to get inside.

"Doesn't one of you have something to get us inside, like a ball of fire or something?"

"No, Mike doesn't have ball of fire, despite his attempts."

Mike looked around shiftily.

"What? Do you know how to get inside?" Johnny asked.

Mike smiled and nodded.

"How then?"

Mike shook his head and pointed to his vocal cords.

Johnny rolled his eyes. "Fiiiine. How many times have I said your name?"

Mike held up two fingers.

"Mike."

At the sound of his name for the third time, Mike finally began speak. "Man, jinx stinks."

"So, how do we get inside then?"

"Oh, I have no clue, I just wanted you to say my name again."

Talk Like a Pirate

Ahoy, ye landlubbin' bilge rats! As Cap'n Shlake be notin' yesterday, today be International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Aye! And since the crew of the Pake Shlake Band have always been inclined ter talk silly, we can nary think of a better holiday! And, in fact, we be making you lily-livered cockroachers celebrate it too, with today's Game Time. But first, it be pleasin' ter the crew if we declared the winner of last week's game. Max, the scourge of the seven seas, be the victor. And he be gettin' some booty, where booty means a shout out.

Arr, ye scabbies, now it be time for this week's game. And here it be:

Write an enjoyable short story in pirate talk.

And please be keepin' yer sea yarns short, under 40 words. How can ye write a tale in so short a span, says you? Check out ours, says I.

Where be I? It was dark as pitch. A rotten foul stench was in the air. A brig? Nay. I looked around. Smelly old socks. Sweaty towels. Oh no! It be Davy Jones' gym locker!

See, me hearties? It be easier'n than takin' rum from a merchant vessel. Post yer sea yarns in the comments. And be thankful ye can, because remember: Dead men tell no tales.

Avast

Tomorrow is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrrr! I guess that makes today International Don't Talk Like A Pirate Day. Arrr? How bout we just make it International Talk Like A Pirate If You Choose To But It's Not Mandatory Day? Arrr!

Vote for Pigs In Drag

On Friday, we began another game of Headliners, and it was all about pigs and politics. We got your headlines, so here's the summary of the article again for you. Read it, read the headlines, and vote.

Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama is accusing John McCain’s campaign of "lies and phony outrage and Swift-boat politics" in claiming he had made a sexist comment against vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Obama on Wednesday called the Republicans' criticism of his use of the phrase "lipstick on a pig" a "made-up controversy."

[poll=9]

Vote. Or else.

Black Cat

You know how people say if a black cat crosses your path it's bad luck ? Well, yesterday I was walking and I saw a black cat. And he was gonna cross my path. So, I decided to alter my path to just walk next to him. Then after a while, he kinda got bored and went a different way. Victory! I avoided the bad luck. But, I did learn a new saying. If a black cat doesn't cross your path, you still might be late to wherever you are going.

Mr. Green in the Fridgeroom with the Knife

You know how we name rooms after the big piece of furniture in it? Like we have the bedroom and the bathroom and so on? Well, we should start calling the place where you eat dinner the diningroomtableroom. I know I will.

Chapter 35: The Warehouse

"Well, that should keep him quiet for a while," Johnny said, referring to the jinx he had just put on his brother. "Lead on, my four-legged friend."

The fox walked ahead of the two, leading them down alleys and back streets, careful to avoid fences. Johnny and Mike followed in silence, one voluntarily, the other one less so. After about ten minutes, they arrived at an old boarded-up warehouse.

"Well, here we are," the fox said.

"Nice," Johnny said. "What do you think, Mike?"

Mike shrugged, sort of nodded his head, but remained silent.

"And you are sure this place will be safe?" Johnny asked the fox.

"I've been by this place for years, and I've never seen anybody."

"Great, let's get to work then." Johnny looked around. "Um, but how do we get inside? All the doors and windows are boarded up."

"Oh that's no problem, " the fox said.

"And don't try to make us slide under a fence or anything like that. You know where that got us."

The fox looked away. "Oh, um..."

"Oh, dear."

Pigs in Drag

It was poetry time in our last Game Time, with presidential hopefuls as the subject. The votes are in, and Sid's poem about Cheney in lipstick wins. I hope the infamous pig in lipstick was not offended.

Speaking of make-up-wearing porcines, we thought we would let you all weigh in on the debate. You get to make a headline for the "lipstick on a pig" comment and the aftermath. What's that? You don't know what I am talking about? What have you been watching the last 3 days? Certainly not the cable news networks! Well, I guess we should help you out. Here is a recap, courtesy of the AP:

Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama is accusing John McCain's campaign of "lies and phony outrage and Swift-boat politics" in claiming he had made a sexist comment against vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Obama on Wednesday called the Republicans' criticism of his use of the phrase "lipstick on a pig" a "made-up controversy."

Here is our headline:

Obama Apologizes: He hopes no pigs were offended by comparison to Palin

Post your headlines by Tuesday, and then vote for the winner on Wednesday.

Eat Gross and Dirty

You know Subway, the sandwich shop? It's slogan is "Subway: Eat Fresh." Now, I don't know if the ad geniuses who came up with that have ever traveled on the New York Subway or even just stood on the platform. But I seriously doubt the first thing to come to their minds was, "Oooh, fresh!"

Vote for Presidential Poetry

Last week, we asked e'erbody to write a haiku based on the happenings at the recent political conventions. Now it's time for you to vote for the best one.

We took the leisure of giving everyone's haikus a title.

[poll=8]

And how appropriate when the race for the White House - VOTE!

Venetian Light Blockers

You know how they call those things you put on windows to block out the light 'blinds'? I guess they do that because blind people can't see light and when you have blinds you kind of are like a blind person.

In that vein, I think we should start calling earmuffs 'deafs.' And while we're at, we might as well call eyeglasses 'losers,' those pants you're wearing 'uglies,' and the people who name products 'insensitives.'

Chapter 34: The Jinx

Mike and Johnny were stopped by a tall fence. Their fox friend was trying to lead them to a training ground, but didn't realize he is smaller and more nimble than his human counterparts.

"Can you please fly me over the fence, Johnny? It's the easiest way."

"I can't go for that. Ooooh. No can do. I can't go for that, can't go for that cant go for that."

"Wait, you just said you don't use your powers just to show off. Then why can you quote song lyrics whenever you want?"

"Because I am hypocritical," Johnny said.

"Interesting response."

The fox rolled his eyes. "Oh, for the love of...Fine, let's go this way," he said.

"Dude, if you could have done that before, why didn't you?"

"Well, I didn't anticipate the bickering."

"Touche," Mike and Johnny said simultaneously.

"Jinx!" said Johnny. Mike opened his mouth as if to protest but then merely lowered his head in shame.

Presidential Poetry

Last week, we asked everybody to come up with a saying that sounded like a real saying, but in actuality, was not. We got a lot of answers ranging from the absurd to the absurd, and when we asked you all to vote, the contest was tight. In the end, Max won with the classic saying, "Strike four...You're IN!" Congratulations Max. Or as they say, "Strike four...You're IN!"

Anyway, to this week. Over at our sibling site, HoyaHoops.com, they are running a Game Time in honor of Patrick Ewing being inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. The contest is to write a Haiku with your favorite Patrick Ewing memory. That inspired us, the bearers of Shlakes, to come up with something of our own. Since the Republican National Convention just completed yesterday, we've decided to go with a Presidential theme:

Write a Haiku about this year's Presidential Race between Barack Obama/Joe Biden and Joe McCain/Sarah Palin.

Here's ours:
There's Sarah Palin.
What city does she live in?
D'you know? I'll ask her.

A Message to All You Ladies

Why waste your time? You know you're gonna be mine.

Thank you very much.

Vote for What Do They Say?

On Friday, we asked you all to come up with something that sounded like an old saying. The answers came in and here are your answers plus one of our own.

[poll=7]

Okay, we made up that last one too, but that doesn't matter. Vote for your favorite and we'll announce the winner domani (That's Italian for mañana. (Mañana as in domani, not mañana as in mattina.))

Storm Watch

For those of you who don't know, it's hurricane season, and Hurricane Gustav just hit land a few days ago. The way these storms evolve, they start as a tropical depression, then a tropical storm, then a category 1 hurricane all the way up to a category 5. As for names, they alternate between girl and boy names. So, after the male Gustav is the female Hannah.

Why am I telling you all this? Because after Gustav the news channels began monitoring the next hurricane-to-be, so it said on the screen "Hannah Storm Watch". Do you think this person was a little confused?

Ok, technically the graphic on MSNBC said "Hanna Storm Watch", so the television anchor Hannah Storm probably wouldn't have gotten confused. Or, she would have gotten doubly confused because 1. They misspelled her name and 2. They were watching her.

Chapter 33: The Fence

"Alright, then," the fox said, "Follow me." The fox led the two brothers down the alley behind their apartment building. He then started to sneak under a fence.

"Ahem," Mike said, as the fox was now halfway under the fence.

"Ahem!" Johnny said loudly, but the fox continued through to the other side.

"Hey!" Mike said, "We can't fit through there, and I am definitely not climbing over the fence."

"Hmm, " said the fox. "Can't he just fly the two of you over?"

"Yes!" Mike said.

"No!" Johnny said. "I am not a monkey."

"Neither am I, but that didn't stop you from calling me one!" the fox replied.

"True. But my point is that I won't just use my powers to show off. I only will use them when I need to."

"Like to get over a fence, maybe?" Mike asked.

"Maybe," Johnny replied. "But not likely."