You know how the word “nuts” can refer to either the thing you use with bolts to keep things together or the tasty treat? Well, I think they should start making nuts out of nuts, so when you are working in the garage and get hungry, you can eat one of the nuts.

And that way, if you walk into a room and someone says, “Hey, can you give me a nut?” you don’t have to say, “Which kind? The thing with a bolt or the tasty treat?” You can just say, “Here’s a nut!”

 
It’s around this time that you are probably thinking, “Mike, you’re nuts!”
I may be nuts, but at least I don’t have to worry about which kind.

So this upcoming Saturday is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. Now I don’t want to bash it, because I think it’s awesome, but how did they get away with that? I mean, you couldn’t get away with having an International Talk Like a Latino Day.

It would be too hard for the Russians to pronounce anything.

The other day I left my cell phone in the car so I asked Johnny if he had the time. He gave me an herb.

Once upon a Game Time…

Last Week’s Winner

We played the PSB Original Game Bests and Worsts last week, where you had to think of the worst excuse for not doing your homework. We had a lot of bad excuses, but only one can win, so let’s take a look.

Mama Meg said she didn’t do her homework because she was working on the extra credit instead. Well, that’s pretty bad, but she is still doing schoolwork, so it could be worse.

Luca said he can’t start his homework until he finishes his summer reading. That’s a bad excuse, but he loses for the same reason as Meg. Schoolwork of any kind is frowned upon here at the Pake Shlake Band.

Lorenzo couldn’t complete his homework since he was honoring Michael Jackson’s passing. That is a bad excuse, but only because Michael Jackson died like a month ago. In general, a moment of silence to commemorate heroes is commendable. So, Lorenzo’s answer doesn’t win.

Now, without further ado, the winner is KJ! Yes, a newcomer to shlake.com wins for the answer, “No time for homework. Spent all week trying to come up with clever slogan for imaginary board game about horses.” Spending too much time on shlake.com instead of doing homework? That is, indeed, a horrible excuse. Congratulations, KJ!

This Week’s Game

Earlier in the week, Mike said that clothes should be made out of soap. Well, that sounds like a pretty dumb idea, but that’s never stopped Americans from buying into it anyway. All it needs is a clever ad campaign. So, we think it’s time for another edition of the PSB Original Game, Ad Geniuses.

Come up with an ad slogan for shirts made entirely out of soap.

Here’s our pitch:

Soap Shirts – With shirts like these, who needs deodorant?

OK, now it’s your turn. Post your ideas in the comments, and maybe you will be the brains behind the new biggest thing in fashion. But, don’t count on it.

I was thinking, we live in an advanced society. We have airplanes, the internet, Snickers bars, but we still have to wash our clothes. Why have we not invented clothes that don’t get dirty? So I started thinking about it.

What about suits of armor? Well, those would be uncomfortable, but it’s a small price to pay for cleanliness. But, then I thought, I bet coffee would still stain a suit of armor. Is there anything that coffee wouldn’t get dirty? And then I thought of it. Soap!

Yes, we should make our clothes out of soap! Soap gets things clean! You would never have to do laundry again! It’s perfect. Sure, the washer and dryer lobbyists will try to stop it, but you’d think the soap lobby would at least try to float the idea, see if gets public support. Besides, who enjoys doing laundry? Nobody. Except maybe woodland creatures near the cottage of the Seven Dwarfs. So, it’s a perfect idea.

And, yes, both the washer and dryer industry and the soap industry have lobbyists.

You ever have the internet die on you when you were sending an email or playing a game or just “surfing the net” as hipsters used to call it? (They may still call it that, but I doubt they are still hipsters. Kneesters maybe.)

Well when my internet connection goes out, I usually try to get it to start again, then try to steal someone else’s wifi, and then sit and mope, wondering what I could possibly do without internet access.

But then I think, “Wait a second!” Then I wait a second. Then I continue thinking, “What did our ancestors do before we had this new technology?” And then I go watch Cartoon Network.

As many of you know, we at the Pake Shlake Band try not to post anything on holidays. We loosely define a holiday as any day that could be spelled with an “or” or an “our” in it.

Yesterday was Labor Day, and since the British would probably spell it Labour Day, that constitutes a holiday. Also there’s the Fourth of July, and some confused people might spell it Forth of July. The British don’t spell it like that though. They spell it “Treason Day”.

G to the Ame, T to the Ime. Or mathematically speaking, G^ame T^ime.

Come on man, superscript it up.

G^ame T^ime

Now we’re talking.

Last Week’s Winner

Last week, we played another round of the PSB Original Game, Ad Geniuses, where we asked you to slogan up “A Wink and a Nod” a fictitious equine-themed board game. Let’s see how you did.

Loyal reader Sam had been posting a bunch of answers to our Game Time games on Thursday nights, sneaking in his answers right before the deadline, for several weeks in a row. After chastising him and denying him the victory, he didn’t play this week. And that’s what we at the Pake Shlake Band are all about – criticizing our readers so much, they never want to come back. You hear that you? You stink!

Instead of Sam, Tony and Luca were the loyal reader who decided to give us a whole bunch of answers – two a piece. But the best out of those four was Tony’s slogan, “The ‘Neighs’ Have It!” Not too shabby. But for all four of Tony and Luca’s answers, we have to say…nay.

Mama Meg had a good idea with her tagline, “Make Dollars out of Horse Sense,” but that seems too much like exploiting the beautiful creatures. And if there’s anything we don’t do to horses, it’s exploit them. Maybe if she had said, “Make Dollars out of Horse Cents,” that would have worked, but we’ve all seen that game already. It’s called Horsopoly. And it stinks.

Emily had quite possibly the best answer yet with “The Game for the Horse-Lover in All of Us – Or Some of You Weirdos at Least…Who Loves Horses Anyway? Third Grade Girls?” But that might be a little too hostile for any marketing, especially marketing to the third grade girls.

So it looks like Lorenzo comes in first again, earning himself back to back wins with his slogan, “Are you able in the stable?” That means Lorenzo is 2-2 in Ad Geniuses, which should probably earn him the title of Ad Genius. But it won’t.

This Week’s Game

So it looks like it’s school time again. Yep, it’s that time of year again, when schools open up their doors again and kids find themselves back on the yellow buses.

Now we know what you’re thinking: “BOOOOOO school!” or “YAAAAY school!” or “I’m kinda indifferent to the subject, but you were eerily correct in saying you know what I was thinking.”

So with back-to-school on our minds, we’re going to play a round of the PSB Original Game, Bests and Worsts. You know how to play right? It’s pretty easy. Here’s the topic:

Worst excuse for not turning in your homework.

And here’s our answer:

That episode of Top Cat where Al the Actor pretends to be Officer Dibble and steals all the paintings was on and you couldn’t resist watching it.

Whatchoo got?

Did you know that Thursday was originally Thor’s Day named after the dude Thor. Thor was like a god but he had a Viking hat and a hammer. And he liked Van Halen. And clearly I’m not using any reference material in coming up with this semi-based-in-fact fact.

I was singing the other day and someone said, “Hey, nice falsetto,” and I couldn’t decide whether I should thank him or tell him that that was my natural singing voice.