The other day, Mike talked about the strange lyrics in “Winter Wonderland.” Then I talked about the strange lyrics in “Silver Bells.”

Well, as it turns out, one year ago today, I talked about the strange lyrics in “Here Comes Santa Claus.” And then we played a Game Time game where everybody nominated their favorite strange Christmas lyrics. So today, I think it’s a good time for a…FLAAAASHBAAAAACK.

Johnny on “Here Comes Santa Claus”

You know the song, “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”? Of course you do, how silly of me. Anyway, here’s the thing. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, right? So when he makes that list, why does he have to find out who’s naughty or nice? He should already know. Unless there’s some sort of exchange rate between bads and naughties that I don’t know about.

Commenter Tony on the “12 Days of Christmas”

12 Days of Christmas, pretty much any day except 5 Gold Rings.

These are gifts?
8 Maids a-milking – I’d prefer 8 maids a-cleaning, now that’s a gift
9 Ladies dancing – mail order brides?
10 Lords a-leaping – excuse me?

Commenter Zo on “The Christmas Song”

I don’t know what they say in ‘The Christmas Song’ after “…and every mother’s child ___________ to see if reindeer really know how to fly…”

-is gonna try
-is on the sly
-has gone to spy
-has got their pie
-is gone awry

Nat King Cole has the coolest, clearest, most enunciating voice ever, someone must have given him a marshmallow or something during that part.

Commenter Max on “Up on the Housetop”

Up on the housetop. Why does the boy get weapons instead of toys? Hammer and tacks, baseball bats, and whips sound like a nasty combination.

Commenter Emily on “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”

For me it is the entire song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I mean, why is it okay that Santa is a home-wrecker in that song? And why would Daddy laugh if he saw Mommy kissing a stranger in the middle of the night in the family home? I think some other response would be more natural. There is something wrong with that song.

Commenter Elizabeth on “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)”

In the beginning to “Happy Christmas (War Is Over)” it has Yoko saying “Happy Christmas Yoko” and then John says “Happy Christmas John”…..why are they wishing themselves a merry christmas? That is just rude.

Turns out, Emily won that Game Time with the whole Mommy smooching St. Nick thing. That’s just weird.

Since Mike started talking about Christmas songs, I’m gonna follow suit.

You know the song “Silver Bells?” Here are some lyrics:

Strings of street lights,
Even stop lights,
Blink a bright red and green

Wait a second. You’re saying stop lights are red and green? WOW!! Everyone really decorates for Christmas.

Hey look they put up Christmas trees in the forest!

And wow all the radio towers have these blinking red lights on top!

You know the Christmas song “Winter Wonderland”? It’s a classic holiday tune, but listen to the first line:

Sleigh bells ring. Are you listening?

Sounds like the singer has some confidence issues. Maybe the first verse should go like this:

Sleigh bells ring. Are you listening?
In the lane. Pay attention to me!
A beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight.
I’m talking, can you look at me?

And if that weren’t proof enough, remember when he builds the snowmen?

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he is Parson Brown.
He’ll say, “Are you married?” We’ll say, “No, man.”
“But you can do the job when you’re in town.”

What kind of loser builds a snowman and pretends it’s a reverend? Who then makes him feel guilty for being single? And the next one:

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
And pretend that he’s a circus clown.
We’ll have lots of fun with Mr. Snowman,
Until the other kiddies knock him down.

What type of person anticipates other kids destroying his snowman? A needy loser, that’s who.

Um, not to be anticlimactic, but…does anyone know Mother Nature’s address?

While we’re writing a letter to Mother Nature, I’d like to add something. (You know I’m very much against wasting stamps. I intend to make my forever stamps true to their name.)

If we could add a little postscript action to that letter, here is what I would like it to say:

P.S.

You can come up with your own name though. Tooty Frooty Droppy Ploppying was just a suggestion.

Does anyone else get a little upset that its 20 degrees outside, there’s snow on the ground, and yet somehow winter doesn’t start for another two weeks? I’m thinking we should take this complaint straight to the top, with an open letter.

Dear Mother Nature,

Your Son,
Mike

You know how some people say “It’s not rocket science” when they’re talking about something that shouldn’t be too complicated? I don’t get it. Is rocket science supposed to be that difficult?

You light the fuse, the thing goes up. End of story.

Did you ever notice that the words “towel” and “bowel” rhyme? I mean, you probably knew it but never thought about it.

Anyway, so that can be confusing when your friend comes to you and says, “I was at the beach the other day, and this guy’s bowels were all over the sand.”

Then you’d be like, “Ewww.” But then you’d realize he probably said towels and not bowels, so you say, “Wow, that’s not cool that he was taking up so much space with his towels.”

Then your friend says, “No, I said bowels. It was really gross.”

Then you say, “Ewww.”

It’s time for a…FLAAAAAASH……BAAAACK.

And, I suppose, also time for lots of capital As.

One year ago, Mike talked about the mighty bulwark. Wanna see?

Bulwark

Personally, I don’t think anybody calls him a space cowboy.